We said goodbye to our home in Austin just a few short weeks ago. We moved in to a temporary apartment near the hospital to prep for Noah’s arrival. Unsure of when we will be able to return home and trying to remain positive that we will have a thriving baby boy in hand when we do.
Pregnancy is tough already and with the added emotions both Brandon and I have been feeling have been a lot! For me, I have felt so much anger, guilt, and fear
Why is this happening to us? More importantly, why is this happening to a little innocent baby? Was it that one time I ate or drank this or that? Is it me? How will we ever move on if the outcome isn’t good?
I would be completely pulling your leg if I told you I have remained optimistic throughout this all, especially as these last few weeks have approached and even more so these last few days. I have ugly cried more times than I can count. I have felt so much guilt knowing what he is soon going to have to face and the fear of the unknown. Each appointment the doctors have reminded us that we won’t know EVERYTHING until he is here, and I have felt scared that I'm not strong enough to handle anymore “news”.
I remember the sunken feeling in my stomach as I scrolled through social media seeing friends pregnancy announcements after our first miscarriage.
We were uncertain that we would ever experience that moment, pregnancy announcements, 3d ultrasounds, swollen feet, and holding our baby for the first time. The fear of what we would do if we couldn’t get pregnant.
That angry/guilt/scared feeling I had back then, praying we would be able to one day have a family, I had similar feelings after we got the news of Noah's heart.
I have friends currently struggling with infertility, and I know there have been people that have felt that same sunken stomach feeling when I wobble in to the store with my big belly, or when I post a “bump” photo, feeling unsure, wondering if they will ever experience those baby kicks.
Every tear I have cried- I think back to that moment that we felt that emptiness as we prayed so hard for this pregnancy. Even through our many moments of weakness, we know it could always be worse and there is someone else praying to experience this beautiful process.
We are thankful for each moment of this pregnancy, good and bad, and can’t wait to hold baby Noah, who has shown us how strong he is already!
So, What's Next?
I am just over 39 weeks. Brandon and I finished up things with work yesterday before we welcome baby boy.
Monday night we had an unexpected trial run at the hospital. I was having a really bad muscle cramp/pain in the right side of my stomach so the doctors had me come in to Labor Triage to get everything checked out since we are so close to the end. Brandon and I threw our bags in the car and headed up to the hospital. They were quick to get us back and hooked up to the monitors. My blood pressure was a little elevated but quickly went down once the pain eased up. I was having contractions but they were inconsistent, and I was still only dilated 1 cm, so the doctors sent us home after a bit. I was so happy because B and I started thinking of all the things we should have brought, or done, before hand if we were to get admitted (ie. Eat a meal, shower, bring a blanket... to name a few).
Thursday I went in for a normal check up, I was nearly 2 cm dilated, so a little progression and we did a non-stress test to see what my contractions were going and to monitor the baby's heart rate. They were very pleased with Noah's heart rate and movement, that was encouraging!
I will be getting admitted Sunday night July 28th, to start the induction. The doctors want to have a little control in his arrival, so they would like him to get here Monday where all the staff is here and ready. My mother and sister will be there along with multiple friends traveling in to be there for the birth and his first surgery. We are so thankful for the love and support thus far, we would be lost without it.
Noah is completely safe right now as my body is doing all the work for him. Monday will be a different story as we welcome him in to the world and begin this fight for his life.
We ask that you keep him in your thoughts and prayers!